Cao Cao's Battle Report 3: Total Chaos
by Sonata-Time-Nocturne-Flare-Aoi
Summary: Complete! Another altercation involving Cao Cao dealing with the other kingdoms during a decisive battle. Only this time, he is faced with a far greater problem: His own stupid generals! Will he ever get a break? Rated T for violence and language.
1. Intro: The Chase!

**Cao Cao's Battle Report 3: Total Chaos**

**By:** Master Jin Sonata

**Genre: **Humor

**Written:** May 2007

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**Author's note**

Yep, decided to do another installment due to the success of the first two stories! Will Cao Cao ever get a break? Maybe…maybe not!

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**Disclaimer**

I do not own Koei or its games. I do own Cao Cao on a daily bases if you know what I mean…

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**"Crap crap CRAP!!!!"**

Cao Cao was frantically running down the hallways of his castle, trying to escape the gargantuan mob of generals, officers, and solider from the opposing kingdoms that were after him.

"_Why does this keep happening to me?!_ _How did I ever get into this mess anyways?"_ he said to himself, darting around a corner while stumbling down a flight of stairs. He fell flat on his face and looked up when he heard the mob drawing near.

**"Where did that little so-in-so go?"** said Lu Bu's voice from behind.

Cao Cao got up and continued toward his bedroom. Once inside, he frantically looked for a place to hide.

"**Psst, hey! Over here!"** said a voice from beside him.

Cao Cao stopped and turned to too see a familiar face peering out from a closet.

"**My trustworthy war-scout has found a hiding place for me. Excellent!"** Cao Cao said with much relief, diving into the closet, and hastily shutting the door.

The inside of the closet was dark; the only light that showed was from the foot of the door.

"**Are you okay Lord Cao Cao?"** the scout asked.

"**Does it look like I'm okay? I have half of China after me!"** Cao Cao said to him sternly. **"After the disaster of a battle that happened recently, they now have a bounty on my head! Now they've infiltrated my castle and are ready to punish me as soon as they find me!"**

"**I'm sorry to hear that sir. Well, while we're here, want to tell me how this all came to be?" **the scout asked curiously.

"**No…not really…but I've got nothing better to do right now, so I'll tell you anyway,"** Cao Cao said, sitting down on the floor and taking a deep breath. **"It all started this morning…**

**Next: **Chapter 1: Pathetic Preemptive Planning

_**Please review!**_


	2. Chapter 1: Pathetic Preemptive Planning

**Chapter 1: Pathetic Preemptive Planning**

**Cao Cao**: Let's see, this chaos starting this morning…

**Cao Cao's Scout**: This should be interesting.

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It was a sunny spring morning.

Cao Cao was walking through his castle, ready to attend a meeting with his son Cao Pi and his strategist Sima Yi.

"**Victory will be mine when I win this upcoming war. No one will impede my path to dominate all of China!"** Cao Cao boasted to himself. Suddenly out of nowhere, Xu Zhu came running out of nowhere, crashing down the hall, and accidentally running into Cao Cao. The impact was enough to crush the Wei overlord into a nearby wall.

After Cao Cao had pried himself out of the stone wall, he wobbled up toward Xu Zhu from behind and tapped him on the shoulder. Xu Zhu turned around and looked at Cao Cao with his usual goofy look.

"**Duh, hi Mr. Lord Cao Cao! My, you don't look so good. What happened?"** the roly-poly officer asked.

"**What do you mean 'what happened'? You shoved me into the wall just a moment ago, you blundering fool!"** Cao Cao said angrily.

Xu Zhu scratched his head.

"**Uh, sorry Mr. Lord Cao Cao. I guess I was too busy searching for Sima Yi."**

Cao Cao raised his eyebrow.

"**Isn't Sima Yi supposed to be in the War Room right now?"** Cao Cao questioned.

"**Duh…I don't know. Rumor has it he responded to a taunt from Zhuge Liang and had left the castle to personally slap the mess out of him,"** Xu Zhu explained. **"But I don't buy it one bit, no sir!"**

"**That fool! Now who's going to run the strategy meeting?"** Cao Cao said with frustration.

"**Duh……I know! Why don't you lead the meeting!"** Xu Zhu suggested.

"**What?! No! I don't know how to plan out a battle of this size! We're going up against the other Kingdoms for heavens-sake!"** Cao Cao shot back.

"**Aw, you can do it, Mr. Lord Cao Cao!"** Xu Zhu said. **"C'mon! Off we go!"**

Xu Zhu grabbed Cao Cao and hoisted him over his shoulders, carrying him down the hallway to the War Room.

"**H-hey! Put me down at once you fat jerk! How dare you disobey my direct orders and do what you so ple---"**

**CLONG!!!**

Cao Cao's whining was cut short as Xu Zhu turned a corner, causing him to swing Cao Cao right into a ceramic vase as he continued down the hall.

**Moments Later**

The door slams open as Xu Zhu walks in and sets Cao Cao down in front of the podium. His son Cao Pi, and other war lieutenants and taskmasters who waited for the meeting to start occupied the room. Xu Zhu took a seat in the front row, since he had nothing better to do at the moment.

Cao Cao warily looked about the room, adjusting his collar, and clearing his throat. Apparently he didn't know how the hell to begin this meeting.

"**Um…ahem…hello everyone. Let's uh…get this battle strategy meeting started,"** Cao Cao began, shuffling through some papers laid out in front of him. **"Let's start out with our inventory. What is our current budget on producing the needed equipment to wage this war?"**

"**Sir! Our current budget is at 14 Gold pieces,"** one of his lieutenants stood and stated.

Cao Cao glared at everyone with a 'The hell?!' look on his face. **"Well what exactly happened to our budget?!" **he demanded.

**CHOMP! MUNCH! SMACK!**

Cao Cao slowly lowered his eyes at Xu Zhu, who was eating a tray of steamed meat-buns. Xu Zhu looked up and smiled.

"**Want one?"** he offered.

Knowing it was Xu Zhu who dried up their war budget on food, Cao Cao, without hesitation; proceeded to kick the fat officer out of the strategy room. Afterwards, he returned to continue with the meeting.

"**Now that our war budget is shot, what do we have in our reserves?"** Cao Cao asked next.

"**Sir! We have a giant rock, sir!"** another lieutenant stood and stated.

"**We have…what now?"** Cao Cao slowly re-inquired.

"**Sir! A giant rock, sir!"** the lieutenant repeated.

Cao Cao looked off to the side for a moment wonder how to respond to that statement without blowing his stack.

"**Okay…a rock…well then…Cao Pi?"** Cao Cao said, now looking at his son.

"**Yes, father?"** Cao Pi responded.

"**Tale over this meting for me and start mobilizing our troops. I'm going to get some gin and some aspirin,"** Cao Cao grumbled as he left the podium and went out the door, only to trip and fall over Xu Zhu, who was still lying on the floor eating his meat-buns after Cao Cao had kicked him out.

**Next: **Chapter 2: Bumbling Battle Beginnings

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	3. Chapter 2: Bumbling Battle Beginnings

**Chapter 2: Bumbling Battle Beginnings**

**Cao Cao's Scout**: No war money? That sounded like big trouble from that point on!

**Cao Cao**: You haven't even heard the worst of it yet!

**Cao Cao's Scout**: I would imagine.

**Cao Cao**: So anyway, we left for the battlefield…

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**An Hour Later **

Cao Cao led his army outside his castle, and into the area where the war would take place. Saddled comfortable on his horse, Cao Cao assesses the situation.

"**The Wu, Nanman, and Shu kingdoms are slowly beginning to mobilize onto the battlefield. We will attack them with our sneaky surprise tactic,"** Cao Cao said to his lieutenants and officers.

"**What do you have in mind?"** his son Cao Pi asked.

"**We will use that giant rock we have in our reserves, attach it to a giant slingshot, and hurl it right at them, crushing the majority of their forces and giving us the advantage,"** Cao Cao explained.

"**Such a simplistic strategy…but I guess it could work,"** Cao Pi said, rolling his eyes.

"**Now, tell Cao Ren to get that weapon of ours ready and in position,"** Cao Cao ordered his son.

Cao Pi left his fathers side and went up to a nearby hill where Cao Ren waiting to carry out the plot.

"**The jackass wants you to ready the slingshot,"** Cao Pi said to Cao Ren, rolling his eyes.

"**Um, gotcha,"** Cao Ren said, rolling the giant mobile device to the edge of the cliff.

As Cao Ren wound the lever that pulled the sling back to be released, Xu Zhu walked into the area, eating a cream-filled bun.

"**Hiya Mr. Cao Ren! Whatcha doing?"** the obese officer asked as he stopped and leaned against the mobile slingshot.

"**I am preparing to launch a giant rock upon our enemy forces,"** Cao Ren explained as he finished winding up the sling. He wiped his brow and turn the other way for the moment, not realizing that Xu Zhu's weight from leaning against the device was making it move closer and closer off the edge of the cliff. Cao Ren looked down at Cao Cao and gave him a thumbs-up.

"**Excellent,"** Cao Cao said as he surveyed the battlefield once more. **"The enemy is in perfect position to be squished by our giant rock. Cao Pi, tell Cao Ren to go ahead and launch the—"**

**CRUNCH! BAM! THUMP! WHAM! CRASH! CLUNK!**

Cao Cao and his entire force turned and watched as the mobile slingshot weapon rolled off the edge of the cliff and crash onto the battlefield below in a heaping mess, missing their target by a long shot.

Cao Cao looked up at where Cao Ren was, and noticed Xu Zhu standing next to him, looking down at the mess he just made.

"**Oops! Sorry about that!"** Zhu Xu yelled back at Cao Cao, waving at him as he did so.

"**Remind me to kill him after this battle,"** Cao Cao whispered shadily to his son.

"**Do not worry, Lord Cao Cao! I have ordered a backup slingshot weapon to be made just in case something like this would happen!" **Cao Red yelled out to Cao Cao from atop of the cliff.

"**Well that's promising…"** Cao Cao mumbled to himself.

"**So what do we do now, dad,"** Cao Pi asked his father, unimpressed on how the pre-battle tactics aren't working so well.

"**Argh, I just wish we had our strategist here with us! He'd know what to do,"** Cao Cao commented, trying to think of what to do next.

As if on cue, Sima Yi enters the scene, and walks up beside Cao Cao, looking pretty disheveled, and had what appears to be a bunch of black feathers jammed into his mouth.

"**Sima Yi! Where the hell have you been?" **Cao Cao asked angrily at his strategist.

Sima Yi spat out the clump of feather from in his mouth and cleared his throat.

"**I apologize for leaving on such short notice, but I was insulted by my rival Zhuge Liang and I had to meet him and teach him a lesson," **Sima Yi explained.

"**And you fell for his plot…" **Cao Cao asks him, glaring at him disappointingly. He looked down at Sima Yi's favorite war-fan he always carried, and noticed it picked clean from it, which could explain that Zhuge Liang shoved the feathers into Sima Yi's big mouth. But something was bugging him…

"**Sima Yi, may I ask, if you will, it only seemed that half of the feathers from your fan were in your mouth. What about the rest…?"** Cao Cao questioned.

"**I'm not inclined to tell you where else that jerk shoved those feathers up in me,"** Sima Yi responded, as he turned and left the area, walking like a duck as if something was up his ass.

"**Well, just hurry up and prepare a strategy before this battle starts!"** Cao Cao yells to his strategist. **"And the rest of you, get into positions and await further orders! We will win this war at all costs!"**

**Next: **Chapter 3: First Report: Furthered Folly

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	4. Chapter 3: First Report: Furthured Folly

**Chapter 3: First Report: Furthered Folly**

**Cao Cao's Scout**: So what did happen to Xu Zhu afterwards? It seems he has caused quite a bit of trouble for you from the start.

**Cao Cao**: I'll get back to that moron later. Now, as I was saying, as the battle for China commenced, I received my first report…

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**Another Hour Later**

The battle for all of China had finally begun.

Cao Cao's military was in the middle of the battlefield, fighting it out against the other kingdoms, when his son Cao Pi rides up next to him with a message.

"**Father, I receive word of some tomfoolery among Zhang He and Zhen Ji's units,"** Cao Pi stated, holding up a sheet of paper to his father.

"**What? Let me see that!"** Cao Cao said, snatching the paper from his son. It was the first report of the battle. It read as follows:

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_**Report #1 **_

_**Lord Cao Cao, I must report to you of some surprising activity involving some of your generals, namely Zhang He and Zhen Ji. It seems they are trying to ease the tensions of the opposing kingdoms by method of dance and song.**_

_**Signed, Unknown**_

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"**I don't believe this! Just what in heavens name do they hope to accomplish with dancing and such nonsense? I'm going down there to check it out. Cao Pi, you look after things here,"** Cao Cao ordered, rearing his horse and heading off to the said officers.

"**Whatever,"** Cao Pi muttered, taking a sip of some of his father's wine.

**Later At A Neutral Base**

Cao Cao arrives at a neutral base near Wu's territory. He gets off of his horse and heads inside. When he arrives, he stops dead in his tracks and stares in complete shock at the scene that was before him.

Zhang He was leading several Wu generals and lieutenants in a River Dance routine. Sun Ce, Zhou Tai, Taishi Ci, and Sun Shang Xiang were all lined up behind him as they danced away to Zhen Ji's tune from her flute.

Cao Cao stomped toward Zhen Ji and snatched her flute, broke it half, and gave it back to her.

"**H-hey! What did you do that for?!"** Zhen Ji demanded.

"**What do you think? Just what in the world is this? Explain yourself!"** Cao Cao demanded.

Zhang He stopped the dance routine and turned to Cao Cao.

"**Ah yes, Lord Cao Cao. The beautiful Zhen Ji and I both agreed that music and interpretive dance would be a less bloodier alternative to this senseless fighting. Say, would you like to join our beautiful dance session?"** Zhang He offered.

"**No I don't want to join your beautiful dance session,"** Cao Cao shot back in a mocking tone. **"You both have some key Wu officers in your reach, so turn around, make them submit to your grand skills, and bring them to my camp!"**

"**You heard the man's request. Let my grand and beautiful dance skills be your guide in the submission of all things beautiful,"** Zhang He announced to the Wu officers and lieutenants, and then returned to their dance routine. Zhen Ji had pulled out a backup flute and resumed playing.

"**You fruity bastard…I'll have you both punished for such foolishness!"** Cao Cao shouted at them. **"Time to take things into my own hands."**

Cao Cao pulled out his sword and began to advance upon the enemy. However, before he could get close enough to them, he was knocked between the legs by a random officer from a sudden high kick during the dance routine. He doubled over; fell sideways, and cringed as he was easily taken down by a European jig.

"**Dammit! Now what do I do…"** Cao Cao thought to himself, looking up at his officers, who didn't seem to pay him no mind.

**Several Minutes Later**

Cao Cao returns to his main base at the top of the cliff after having to endure being on his horse, in saddle-position, with…shattered nuts.

"**Cao Pi, I return from investigating the incident at that neutral base,"** Cao Cao grumbles, sliding off oh his horse in a stiff position.

"**Let me guess…Zhen Ji and Zhang He are dancing again…"** Cao Pi says with little concern.

"**Yes…dancing…let's just hope my other officers aren't doing something as stupid…"** Cao Cao says, heading into his ration box for an ice pack.

**Next: **Chapter 4: Second Report: Capture Capers

_**Please review!**_


	5. Chapter 4: Second Report: Capture Caper

**Chapter 4: Second Report: Capture Caper**

**Cao Cao's Scout**: River Dancing sounds very dangerous, sir.

**Cao Cao**: You don't know the half of it. It still hurts! Now where was I? We weren't going anywhere with this war, so we tried our grand weapon once again…

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Back at the main base, Cao Pi approached Cao Cao with some new details regarding their slingshot weapon.

"**Father, Cao Ren reports that a replacement slingshot weapon is in place," **Cao Pi reported.

"**Good. We will try this again. And to make sure that Xu Zhu doesn't mess up anything else, I had him locked up in a special barred wagon at the back of the camp,"** Cao Cao explained.

"**You called Mr. Lord Cao Cao?"** said an all too familiar voice from behind him.

It was Xu Zhu.

"**What the?! How the hell did you get out of my custom made prison cell?"** Cao Cao said, almost jumping from his sudden appearance.

"**Duh, I just heard you call my name, so I just forced the bars open from within that small cage, and here I am!"** Xu Zhu said merrily.

"**No dammit! I don't want you around! You'll just screw things up again!"** Cao Cao protested in frustration.

"**Aw c'mon Mr. Lord Cao Cao, I don't mess up all the time!"** Xu Zhu reassured him.

"**Maybe you can have him tell Cao Ren where to aim the giant rock slingshot,"** Cao Pi suggested.

Cao Cao sighed heavily and turned to the overweight officer.

"**Fine, tell Cao Ren to get that weapon of ours ready and in position, and have him aim it 45 degrees North,"** Cao Cao ordered Xu Zhu.

Xu Zhu saluted Cao Cao in a goofy way, and went up to the same nearby hill where Cao Ren waited to carry out the plot, again. Once Xu Zhu arrived, he stood next to Cao Ren and recited the report to the best of his memory.

"**Uh…Mr. Lord Cao Cao wants you to position the slingshot at…uh...14…uh...5…degrees…North!"** Zhu Xu recited.

"**14.5 degrees North? Got it,"** Cao Ren said, turning the mobile weapon toward that angle. Cao Ren wound up the sling, and wiped his brow. He then looked down at Cao Cao and gave him a thumbs-up to try and re-launch it again.

"**Excellent,"** Cao Cao said as he again surveyed the battlefield. **"This time the enemy army will be crushed by my almighty weapon. Cao Pi, tell Cao Ren to go ahead and launch the weapon."**

"**If you say so…"** Cao Pi said, heading up to Cao Ren's side. He arrived there in no time flat.

"**Ready?" **Cao Ren asked.

"**Yes. The moron wants you to launch the weapon now,"** Cao Pi said.

Cao Ren nodded and went to the weapons' lever, and pulled it.

**SHHHHHOOOOOOOMP!!!**

The giant rock was finally slung out of the giant man-made device. It flew high into the sky, and then descended onto the battlefield. However, the incorrect coordinates that Xu Zhu gave him resulted the rock in not hitting the enemy army, but…

**CRAAAAASH!!!!!**

…crash upon half of Cao Cao's reserve forces instead.

"**Noooo, my reserve units! What the devil went wrong with my careful planning?!" Cao Cao whined.**

"**Two words: Xu Zhu," **Cao Pi responded, walking up to his father's side after the errand.

"**That does it!!! Keep him near the catapult. I'll be using him in place of the rock for the next launch, which will go as planned I will promise you!" **Cao Cao ordered his son.

**Minutes Later…**

The battle continued with the Wei forces starting to lose its edge due to the flawed attack that destroyed Cao Cao's reserves military. Then, Dian Wei approached him with a letter.

"**Ah, Dian Wei, my trusted bodyguard, what news do you have for me?"** Cao Cao asked.

"**My Lord, I have a message for you from one of our spies,"** Dian Wei said, handing Cao Cao the letter.

It read as follows:

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_**Report #2 **_

_**Lord Cao Cao, I must report that Zhao Yun has been spotted in the general vicinity. I suggest sending some of your best officers to apprehend him. It would be most beneficial if we had him in our grasp.**_

_**Signed, Unknown**_

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"**Zhao Yun? We must get him immediately!"** Cao Cao said to him. **"Dian Wei, go gather some of the other officers, we are going to capture Zhao Yun right now!"**

"**Yes sir,"** Dian Wei said, running off to gather a few more helping hands.

**Ten Minutes Later**

Cao Cao, Dian Wei, Xu Huang, and Xiahou Dun were walking along a beach area near a lake where Zhao Yun was said to be near. Within seconds, they saw Zhao Yun in the distance.

"**There he is! Grab him!"** Cao Cao demanded, as he and the other officers began to commence the capture.

Zhao Yun turned around and saw the Wei officers charging toward him.

"**Whoops, busted,"** Zhao Yun said. He turned and ran away toward a cliff outcropping, in which he disappeared around shortly after.

"**He went around that cliff! Don't let him get away!"** Cao Cao rallied his men as they approached the said place.

All of the men then suddenly stopped when they heard a faint sound of a stamped of enemy officer from around that cliff. It gradually grew louder, and within seconds, Gan Ning and hundreds of his pirates appeared, ready to run down Cao Cao and his men.

"**It's a trap! Runaway!"** Cao Cao said as he hastily turned around and shot out of the area as fast as he could. Unfortunately, the rest of his main officers were overcome by Gan Ning's troops.

"**Dammit! I lost my men to a stupid ploy from our enemies! I'll get you yet, Zhao Yun, you just wait!"** Cao Cao swore as he continued his way back to his camp, escaping the impeding onslaught unharmed.

**Next: **Chapter 5: Third Report: Pang De's Problem

_**Please review!**_


	6. Chapter 5: Third Report: Pang De's Prob

**Chapter 5: Third Report: Pang De's Problem**

**Cao Cao's Scout**: Zhao Yun seems to be an important figure in your strategy to take over the other kingdoms.

**Cao Cao**: Indeed. But instead of putting time into planning his capture, I had to deal with the petty problems of some of my officers, namely Pang De…

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Cao Cao was at his base drawing up plans on how to effectively capture Zhao Yun, his new target he wished to seize. Before he could think of a decent strategy, his son Cao Pi enters the tent with more news.

"**Father, I have another report to present to you,"** Cao Pi said, handing Cao Cao another letter.

"**What now?"** Cao Cao grumbled as he took the letter and read it.

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_**Report #3 **_

_**Lord Cao Cao, I must report that Pang De…well…um…it would be best if you'd come and check this out yourself.**_

_**Signed, Unknown**_

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"**Argh! What could it be now?"** Cao Cao said in frustration, storming out the tent and heading toward a nearby allied base to see what Pang De wanted.

**Five Minutes Later**

Cao Coa arrives at one of his bases on horseback, and sees Pang De eagerly waiting for his arrival. Pang De runs up toward his Commander with an exasperated look on his face.

"**Well, what's the situation?"** Cao Cao asks Pang De as he got off his horse.

"**Well, Lord Cao Cao…you see…I need your help…"** Pang De said.

"**To do what?"** Cao Cao questioned.

"**To...uh…help me get out of my armor…"**

"…**What do you mean 'help you get out of your armor'?" **Cao Cao said, raising an eyebrow.

"**You see…Lord Cao Cao…I…uh…have to go to the bathroom…and I…cannot seem to…get my armor off…"** Pang De said, a bit embarrassed.

Cao Cao stared at him blankly, on the verge of having a meltdown at what he was hearing.

"**So let me get this straight…you call me out here, in the middle of my planning session, just so you can use the damn bathroom?!?!"** Cao Cao said angrily.

"**Well, if you were in your planning session, you didn't have to come immediately, though I'm thankful that you did because I've been holding it for quite some time…"** Pang De began to say.

"**Shut-up!"** Cao Cao shot back at him. **"Get over here an let's get your damn armor off of you so I can get back to work,"** Cao Cao grumbled, dragging Pang De behind a large bush out of view.

As soon as the two began the process of removing Pang De's heavy armor, Xu Zhu and a group of grunts wandered near the area, when they stopped and listened to Cao Cao and Pang De's conversation behind the bushes.

**Cao Cao**: Okay, let's get this over with.

**Pang-De**: First undo the compartment around my waist.

**Cao Cao**: I see something sticking out…its' so big!

**Pange De**: Grab it and pull it hard to get it to work.

**Cao Cao**: Ugh...its stuck! It won't fit in there!

**Pang De**: See why I have so much trouble? It must be jammed somewhere, and I don't like the way I'm feeling right now.

**Cao Cao**: Let's try something else…turn around and let me get a better look at you.

**Pang De**: H-hey! Don't touch that!

**Cao Cao**: What? I'm just trying to get this to open up more!

**Pang De**: Hey, I don't swing that way…man this is tough.

**Cao Cao**: How did you get into this thing on the first place?

**Pang De**: Beat me…

**Cao Cao**: Damn, now my hands are wet with sweat.

**Pang De**: Use your mouth then.

**Cao Cao**: Damn this black leather strap…its in my way! Just one…more…push…

**Pang De**: Ah yes! That feels much better!

**Cao Cao**: Okay, our job is done. I'm going back to the base.

Cao Cao and Pang De come out of the bushes, where they are face to face with Xu Zhu and the soldiers, who all had a 'WTF' look on their faces.

"**What are you guys looking at?"** Cao Cao said.

"**Gee Mr. Lord Cao Cao, I didn't know you like other men…"** Xu Zhu said, a wide grin spreading across his face.

Cao Cao and Pang De look at each other before quickly turning back to the fat officer.

"**What you heard just now…it's not what you think!!!"** Cao Cao protested.

"**Time to spread some rumors!!!"** the soldiers sang in unison as they went of tell everyone what they heard.

Cao Cao's eyes twitched at the thought of his reputation doing down the toilet. He groaned and quietly left the area, heading back to his base without saying a word.

**Next: **Chapter 6: Fourth Report: Sima's Stupid Scheme

_**Please review!**_


	7. Chapter 6: Fourth Report: Sima’s Stupid

**Chapter 6: Fourth Report: Sima's Stupid Scheme**

**Cao Cao's Scout**: No wonder your popularity ratings have gone down recently. To think you were mistakenly accused of being gay…

**Cao Cao**: It's ridiculous I tell you! Just like our last attempted to use our slingshot weapon!

* * *

Cao Cao continued to oversee the conflict between the three kingdoms. Sadly, his forces were starting to lose to the opposing forces. Cao Cao turned to his son Cao Pi, who had another letter in his hand. 

"**Don't tell me that's another report…"** Cao Cao said, sighing.

"**Unfortunately, yes. Let me read it to you,"** Cao Pi said, opening the letter.

* * *

_**Report #4 **_

_**Lord Cao Cao, just a warning that your strategist is up to something stupid.**_

_**Signed, Unknown**_

* * *

"**What kind of report is that?"** Cao Cao said. 

"**Beats me,"** Cao Pi responded, tearing up the letter.

"**No matter. In the meantime, we must use our slingshot weapon ASAP! This would turn the tides of this battle in a blink of the eye!"** Cao Cao said to him. **"Go tell Cao Ren to hurry it up!"**

Just then, Sima Yi came up to Cao Cao.

"**Not this time!"** Sima Yi said to Cao Cao.

"**What's your problem, Sima Yi? You think you can do something better with our weapon?"** Cao Cao questioned.

"**Hahaha! Of course! Your insignificant intellect can't even begin to comprehend what plans I have in store for that faulty weapon of ours,"** Sima Yi said with a grin.

"**Well then, Mr. Sima Smartass, let's see you do some damage with that so-called faulty weapon!"** Cao Cao said, daring Sima Yi to do so.

"**Fine, I will!"** Sima Yi said, heading off to the cliff where Cao Ren and the slingshot weapon was being repaired.

"**Alright, here's the plan…"** Sima Yi began to instruct Cao Ren and some other soldiers.

**Later…**

"**There! Now that looks much better!"** Sima Yi said with much satisfaction.

Sima Yi stood up against the newly modified giant weapon. It still retained some parts of the original design, but it now had the capability to hurl multiple rocks simultaneously.

"**You call this your brilliant plan?"** Cao Cao said, walking up to Sima Yi.

"**Of course. Why hurl a single giant rock at the opposing armies when you can rain down multiple rocks from above? They won't have anywhere to run! I know I know, my genius plans are always incredible, aren't they?"** Sima Yi boasted vainly.

"**The only thing incredible about you is your ego, and not in a good way either,"** Cao Cao said, rolling his eyes. **"Okay, prepare to launch the weapon!"**

Cao Ren nodded and once again began turning the crank to wind up the device. Cao Ren wiped his brow and gave Cao Cao and Sima Yi a thumbs-up.

"**Okay, on the count of three, prepare to launch!"** Sima Yi said.

"**One….Two…Three!!!!"**

Cao Ren released the lever, but the device did not budge.

"**What?! What sort of malfunction is this?"** Sima Yi said, a bit miffed that his weapon wasn't launching as planned. **"Let me take another look at this thing…"**

Sima Yi then climbed onto the weapon to inspect it.

"**Hmm…that's weird, this thing should have launched when Cao Ren released th---"**

**TWANG!!!**

"**AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!" **yelled Sima Yi, as the weapon suddenly launched without warning, sending the pile of rock as well as Sima Yi flying across the battlefield.

Cao Cao and Cao Ren witnessed Sima Yi crash up against Wu's castle, with all of the rocks from behind him smashing into him one by one until there was nothing left but a sizzling black spot on the stone castle.

Cao Cao and Cao Ren just stared in awe at what just happened, not knowing what to say about losing their strategist.

Just then, someone from behind them walked toward Cao Cao, munching on a rice-ball.

"**Wow, now that's embarrassing,"** said the man.

Cao Cao turned around, only to be face-to-face with Zhao Yun

"**Zhao Yun! You won't get away from me this time!"** Cao Cao said, drawing his sword.

"**Time to go!"** Zhao Yun said, tossing the rice-ball in Cao Cao's face and running.

"**Gah! You won't get away that easily! Someone stop him!"** Cao Cao yelled, running after Zhao Yun.

Zhao Yun ran through Cao Cao's camp until he ran into Xu Zhu.

"**Say, dough-boy, I'll give you a rice-ball for your horse,"** Zhao Yun offered Xu Zhu.

"**Uhhh…deal!"** Xu Zhu said, giving up his horse and taking his rice-ball.

As Zhao Yun got away, again, Cao Cao walked up to Xu Zhu looking pretty pissed of.

"**You…YOU…!!!!"** Cao Cao sputtered, as he was ready to smack Xu Zhu into outer space, but stopped dead in his tracks.

"**Forget it…I'm going to get me a drink…screw this war…"** Cao Cao said, walking solemnly to his tent.

**Final Chapter: **Chapter 7: Fifth Report: Asinine Assault

_**Please review!**_


	8. Chapter 7: Fifth Report: Asinine Assault

**Chapter 7: Fifth Report: Asinine Assault**

**Cao Cao's Scout**: So you were just about to give up? Is that why you were chased all the way back to your castle, because the enemy got the upper hand at that point.

**Cao Cao**: Yeah…that's exactly right…but let's not forget the finer details…

* * *

Cao Cao was in his tent, drinking a glass of wine, sulking on the fact that his kingdom would be destroyed due to the idiotic actions of his own officers. Shortly after, his son Cao Pi enters the tent with another report in his hand.

"**Father, another report for you,"** Cao Pi said, leaving the letter in front of Cao Cao's face.

"**I don't want to see that blasted report anymore. All it does is just report idiotic situations that someone with common sense can easily overcome. Let's face it, I'm surrounded by a army of morons,"** Cao Cao said drunkenly, taking another swig of his wine.

"**If you insist, but I'll read it to you anyways," **Cap Pi said, opening the letter. **"Ahem…"**

* * *

_**Report #5**_

_**Lord Cao Cao, the leaders from each of the kingdoms have surrendered. You have won the war for domination of China! Please meet at Sun Jian's camp for the signing of the 'We Surrender' treaty.**_

_**Signed, Unknown**_

* * *

Cao Cao slowly looked up at Cao Pi and chuckled.

"**You don't honestly believe I'm going to fall for that lame excuse and fall in their trap, do you?"** Cao Cao said to his son.

Cao Pi raised an eyebrow as if her were saying 'Uh…yeah'.

Cao Cao glared at Cao Pi and took another drink of his wine.

"**Get out of my sight!"** Cao Cao said to his son, who left shortly after.

"**What a blunder this war has been…what do I do now?"** Cao Cao said to no one in particular.

Suddenly, Xiahou Yuan comes into the tent and approaches Cao Cao.

"**Lord Cao Cao, my men have reported seeing Xu Zhu heading toward Sun Jian's camp,"** Xaihou Yuan says.

"**Let him go. Maybe they'll roast his fat-ass,"** Cao Cao said with a slight grin.

"**But sir, if Xu Zhu goes to the Sun Camp and signs that agreement, then the control over China will be in his name!" **Xiahou Yuan pleaded.

Cao Cao spat out his drink upon hearing this.

"**I will not let that fat moron take complete control of China…hey, wait a minute! Who told you about this agreement?"** Cao Cao said, before turning to Xiahou Yuan in suspicion.

"**Your son Cai Pi told all of us,"** Xiahou Yuan responded.

Cao Cao growled as he quickly sat up and made his way out of the tent.

"**Cao Pi, mobilize our remaining forces. We are going to run-down Xu Zhu before he gets a chance to sign that treaty!!!"** Cao Cao says to his son Cao Pi as he walked by.

**An Hour Later**

Cao Cao and his remaining forces were marching toward the Sun Family camp. As they climbed up a long hill, they began to see the encampment nestled on an isolated plateau, with a very wide ravine surrounding it. The only entrance into the encampment was a small rope bridge on the main path. As said in the report, all of the leaders were tied up and lined up in front of Xu Zhu with a large scroll in front of them.

"**Oh no, he's already there,"** Cao Cao said from on top of his horse as he saw Xu Zhu in the camp ready to sign the document. **"Everyone, charge the camp and run-down Xu Zhu!!!"** Cao Cao commanded to his army.

"**But father, our soldiers can't possibly charge across that flimsy bridge at the same time,"** hi son Cao Pi said.

"**JUST DO IT!!! I REFUSE TO BE UNDER THE RULE OF A FAT BASTARD!!!"** Cao Cao yelled to his army. **"NOW CHARGE!!!!!!!!!!!"**

Coa Cao's army immediately began charging toward the isolated encampment. It wasn't long before his entire army tried to cross the bridge, which collapse as soon as they got on it. Cao Cao's entire army plummeted into the ravine within seconds.

Cao Cao and his son Cao Pi stared at the event in disbelief. Cao Pi turned toward his father.

"**Nice move, dumbass,"** Cao Pi said, rolling his eyes.

Cao Cao then witness Xu Zhu signing the scroll.

"**NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"** Cao Cao yelled toward the sky.

* * *

**Cao Cao's Scout**: Interesting story, sir. So the final report was ligitimate and valid after all. But that still doesn't explain why you are back here in your castle being chased by the other kingdoms.

**Cao Cao**: After Xu Zhu signed that agreement; I went behind their backs and destroyed it. But Xu Zhu found out about it, and got angry, and said I was mean and all, so he commanded the other officers to run me down and administer a public spanking once I'm captured.

Suddenly, the closet doors fly open.

**Lu Bu**: Aha! Found you!!!

**Cao Cao**: Dammit!!!

Cao Cao slips between Lu Bu's legs and continues running down the hallway, with the other armies still perusing him.

It was mere seconds before he ultimately surrendered.

**The End!**

* * *

**That does it for this installment! Please review!**

_(Betcha can't guess who it was writing those reports to Cao Cao!)_

Read the final installment of this series**: Cao Cao's Battle Report 4: End of Honor**, already up!


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